Interesting Conclusions...

While walking home from my brothers house yesterday evening I came to some, as the title may suggest, interesting conclusions....about life.
I guess one could say it was an epiphany of sorts.
Anyway, while comtemplating and worrying insanely about the fate of my relationship and fearing for the loss of the dream life that that relationship would have given me I found myself thinking about life...about my life....past present and future.
It ended up being an interesting and enlightening evening stroll.

When asked what I want to do with my life and where I see myself heading next (after college like) I always give the same "I don't know yet" response...but i realised something.
It's not that I just don't know....It's that I just don't care. I do not care. There's nothing I love enough or am passionate enough about to commit to devoting any of my time to it, let alone my life. So that's why I have no direction...no drive.
But then it came to me....the reason for so much of why my life is the way it is...there is actually one thing....there is only one thing in the world that means anything to me. Only one thing that I would even consider spending any of my time and energy one and, as lame ass as it sounds, that one thing is love.
When I was a child i never had the dream of being a singer, or an actor. I didn't want to grow up and be a teacher or a writer or anything like that. The only thing I ever remember wanting, my whole life, was to grow up and be just like my parents. I wanted to find that one person for me and fall in love and be with that person forver. To me there was nothing else more important in the whole world and there still isn't. That's all that I want for myself. Nothing else. But for the way my life has been going it seems like an awful big ask.

I think that's the problem though. Because it is the one thing, the only thing I want the most in the world, it's probably also the one thing I'll never be lucky enough to have and that is where my conclusion ended!

I don't like that ending.